What a shitty welcome back present

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I'm back (unfortunately)

Well, you fucking dullards, I'm back. I've taken a two year vacation from your whiny questions and meaningless problems, but life's a bitch, and you can't spend it all not having to deal with the world's large population of morons.

So,let me reiterate this for all of you again (even though I've said it countless times in the past without anyone seeming to care): Only send me ADVICE questions, since I'm an advice columnist, and make sure to write reasonably well, since being on the Internet is not excuse for writing like a retarded monkey.

If you can't follow those simple rules, don't write to me, or there will be painful consequences. If you can, send me your question at impeeves@yahoo.com.

Dullards bitching about girl problems and me

Dear Peeves,

I know this girl who has a boyfriend but I live far away. Should I tell her how I feel about her or forget about her?

-HAHA >.<

HAHA--

Let's see. This girl has a boyfriend, lives far away, and will almost certainly be creeped out by your fascination with her, because you're such a fucking dullard. Save yourself the embarassment and keep your goddamn mouth shut.

--Peeves

alright babe,

here's an actual comment/question for you. How long will it take for you to get over yourself?

--Silently Morbid

Silently Morbid--

How long will it take you to stop asking fucktarded questions such as this one? I'll stop when you do. (Well, not really, but at least it'll get you to shut the hell up. Either that or my brass knuckles.)

--Peeves

Scared to come out of the closet?

Are you gay and too much of a fucking wimp to be open about it? Then, get lost. I can't help you if you actually think what others think of you is relevent. Seriously, though, even if someone is enough of a dullard to care whether you're gay or not, they'd probably be more pissed off if you lied about it. Actually, I don't really give a fuck what you people do, as long as you don't make the mistake of asking me about it.


Dear Peeves,
I think I like boys more than girls, but I'm afraid of people making fun of me if I express how I really feel.
What should I do?

--Pirates Are 1337

Gay Pirate--

You could live your whole life in fear of what other idiots think of you and become completely fake and superficial to please them, or, and this might be a better idea, you could grow the fuck up a little and realize that 1. What people think about you doesn't count for shit, and 2. No one cares about a loser such as yourself enough to make fun of you. Now, get lost.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

why ae you such a bitch

--Mike LongLastName

Mike--

Good question, Mike. People like you send me such dumb shit that it almost forces me to be bitchy to them. Maybe if you went and took a hike off of a cliff, that would solve my problem of being surrounded by idiocy, and I wouldn't be such a "bitch", as you put it.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Did I strike a chord?? lol

--Silently Morbid

Silently Morbid--

What the hell are you even talking about? My rules for asking me questions aren't very strict, if you'll look to the far left side of this goddamn page to see that, yet you assholes never seem to be able to follow them!

I think you'd all be more keen on following them if whoever didn't got to meet my steel-toed boots. YES! That's it! That's my policy from now on: If you can't follow my simple guidelines, you get kicked with my steel-toed boots.

--Peeves

Murder Advice

Want some advice on killing? Sure. I love giving it, but not when you're an incompetent loser who gives me a limited amount to work with.


Dear Peeves,

I'm having trouble deciding whether I should kill Tyler or Kevosk. I can't kill both of them because I'll never be able to kill again. Now Kevosk is the biggest fucking gay-tarded dick-cunt-ass-bag I've ever met, yet my faraway friend absolutely despises Tyler. Please help me decide which to kill!

--Murderous Silly Negro

Dipshit--

Since you're too incompetent to follow my moto: "When in doubt, kill both", kill who you hate the most, which would be this Kevosk. Have your friend kill Tyler him/herself, and you worry about who pisses you off instead of getting more involved with others' lives than your own (not that you have much of one). I hope you get caught and rot in a prison cell for the rest of your life, dipshit.

Flying, squirrels, and some other shit

I have two completely retarded questions today. Actually, they were sent to me a while ago, but I actually have a life, unlike the losers who wrote them. One of them is bitching at me over at Demon Lime to answer her goddamn question, and now I finally found the time to deal with the stupidest things in my inbox. Gash, I answered your question, so you can quit bitching now!



Ok my question for you is: Would you rather be a squirrel or have the ability to fly? By the way just in case it isn't all that clear I'm asking advice. I found a magic lamp with a genie inside. The genie told me that he could turn me into a squirrel or give me the ability to fly. As you can tell I'm having trouble deciding which to choose. They are both good options. Can you help Peeves?

--Lisa Vereli

Lisa Vereli--

Yes, I can. Ask the genie to turn you into a squirrel, because not only will you be unable to send me anymore questions, but it also would be very easy to run you over with my car.

--Peeves

What do you think my friend will say when he opens the letter I mailed him and sees a picture of Goatse?

-Steven "Bonertron" Stifler

Seven--

I think he'll send it back with a bomb. And if you send me another question, I think I'll find your address and send you one, just in case the first one didn't kill you. Now shut the hell up.

--Peeves

Ask me a question.

Ok you dullards, I've started this site to post all of your retarded questions that you send me at impeeves@yahoo.com. If you have a question for me that is actually asking for some damn advice, send it to me. If it's not, or if it's poorly written, keep it to yourself, dipshit.